


Unlimited Blade Dysfunction

by BestAtBeingBad



Category: Bleach
Genre: Crack, Gen, Kazui's weird family history, Zanpakutou
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-17
Updated: 2016-09-17
Packaged: 2018-08-15 13:59:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8059042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BestAtBeingBad/pseuds/BestAtBeingBad
Summary: Kazui communes with the spirits in his inner world, but his parents' lessons still haven't prepared him for what's going to happen next.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to admit that I've gotten into Bleach very recently, so I'm expecting some of the details to be off. However, I can't get this idea out of my head, so I hope I've done it justice. Pretty sure Kazui's moved past the communication stage, but I'm still going for it. I might redo this story once I've gotten a better grasp of the universe.

12-year-old Kazui Kurosaki woke up to the sight of a vivid blue sky. Short, cloudy strings floated in the air high above him. The boy felt the familiar texture of grass flattening beneath his palms as he sat up to see more of his inner world, and immediately spotted someone sitting on a flat rock a few feet to his left. He stood up, brushed the dust off his clothes and the badges pinned to his shirt, and slowly approached the figure. He could see it was a tall, lanky figure dressed in the garb of a European hussar. The spirit wore a dark green coat and a tall, dark hat, and a thin, neatly-trimmed mustache rested above his upper lip. As the spirit sharpened a sword that much resembled Kazui's, he looked at his visitor. A smile stretched across his long, thin face. "Well, I wasn't expecting company. Nice to meet you, lad."

"It's good to meet you, too, sir," Kazui said, smiling and waving his hand at the spirit. "I'd like to ask you a question." The spirit nodded his assent, still sharpening his blade. "What part of me do you represent, exactly?" The spirit's features relaxed into a more neutral expression. Kazui scratched the back of his head as he clarified, his smile looking more uneven. "Well, you probably already know this, but I'm...a lot of things. Mom and dad and grandpa told me all about our weird family history and what kind of powers I've been born with."

"Ah yes," the spirit said. "The clans, Zangetsu, and your grandmother almost getting Hollowfied. I suppose I have no choice but to come clean," he continued, getting off his rock, sword still in hand. "I'm the representation of your Quincy powers."

"Ah." Kazui nodded his head, but his smile began to leave as he thought about the situation more. "So...I guess you're not going to give me that sword, then." The Quincy spirit chuckled, his bemused smile fully restored. "I'm afraid not. It's not really in my best interests to let you gain Shinigami powers. We're opposed, after all. Besides, you wouldn't exactly be defenseless as a Quincy."

The boy looked at his sword, being held by its blade, hilt facing forward, then looked at the spirit, then looked at the sword again. The muscles in his legs tensed up. He hoped the spirit's reflexes weren't quick enough to stop him.

As he prepared for the sprint, though, he heard a third set of footsteps rustling through the green grass. Both he and the spirit turned their heads toward the sound. A white-garbed figure stepped towards them, his golden eyes glaring. They realized this new arrival looked almost exactly like Kazui, with only the color of his clothes, skin, hair, and eyes distinguishing him from the master of his world. Before Kazui could blink, the pale spirit had a sword to his throat. As his eyes looked to his right, he could see the Hollow was being threatened by the Quincy spirit in turn. 

"Why are you doing this," Kazui asked, his voice steady, without a hint of fear. "It's really what's best for the two of us," the Hollow simply stated, his voice flat and empty. "You have all this power, but you refuse to kill anybody." The Hollow shook his head, neck brushing against the Quincy spirit's sword. "That's just a waste. Why try to spare something that wants you dead? Best for us to just wipe them out and move on."

"See what I mean, kid," the Quincy spirit commented. "Your own Zanpakuto is trying to take over your body. Accept my help and-"

The Quincy spirit's pitch was interrupted by a fist flying into the Hollow's face. Both Kazui and the Quincy spirit instinctively jumped back as the pallid figure tumbled into the grass. Rubbing his neck, Kazui looked at the new arrival, a lean-built man dressed in the garb of an ashigaru, with no sleeves and the character 星 emblazoned upon his chestpiece and the front of his war hat. The fourth person held a sword in his hands that also resembled Kazui's. "Who are you," Kazui asked, perplexed by the presence of yet another spirit. "Isn't it obvious? I'm your Zanpakuto, kid," the ashigaru said, using his sword to point at himself. "Mr. Quincy over there was trying to commit character assassination."

"But...dad said his inner Hollow and his zanpakutou were one being," the child said, rubbing one of his temples through his orange hair in confusion. The Zanpakuto shrugged casually. "Well, you're not your dad, are you? It makes sense for your situations to be diff-" The Zanpakuto was interrupted by the Quincy spirit punching him in the gut. Kazui noticed that the sword he was holding previously was now replaced by a cavalry saber with a black blade. "Oh, wow...hey, Quincy," the Zanpakuto said, holding his gut. "I don't suppose you're holding a grudge for the last time we met?"

"Keep quiet, sword spirit," the mustached man ordered. "I don't need you complicating the boy's choice." The ashigaru stood up straight and laughed. "What choice is there to make? The kid thinks his father's one of the coolest guys on the planet and thinks Uncle Uryuu's a boring nerd."

"That isn't true," Kazui hastily exclaimed. "I think Uncle Uryuu's a really great guy! He cures people of crippling and possibly fatal diseases and knit me a sweater for Christmas that wasn't itchy at all!"

"Oh man, I'm so impre-"

 _"If you're done,"_ the voice of the Hollow echoed, somehow sounding bored and angry at the same time. Everyone turned their heads toward the Hollow, who stood upon shaky legs like a newborn calf. _"I'm going to be taking over Kazui's body now._ "

"Are you sure? I mean, you don't look like you're in any condition to take over an anthill," the zanpakutou dryly stated, picking his nose. The Quincy spirit slapped his hand away from his nostril with a disgusted look on his face. 

"You smartmouthed jerk...I'll shut you up for good when I finally take over." The Hollow, in its petulant rage, formed a mask over its face. The mask's top half was black and its bottom half was white and a beaklike protrusion separated the two colors, with an impish grin prominent on the lower half. His eyes focused on his Hollow self, Kazui rooted his feet to the ground and assumed a fighting stance. With no advantage in speed and lacking a weapon, he would have to rely on the martial arts training his mother, Aunt Tatsuki, and Uncle Chad taught him. Counter-maneuvers and vital strikes ran through his mind as he prepared to apply them to an opponent with a bladed weapon. In an instant, the zanpakutou and the Quincy spirit flanked each side of him, seemingly having put aside their grudge to take on their common foe. A light breeze flew through the fields and the sun still shined upon the boy and the three spirits in spite of the conflict that was about to take place. In an instant, the Hollow rocketed toward Kazui...

...and his head ended up digging into the grass behind him again.

However, this was not the doing of the ashigaru, the hussar, or even Kazui himself, but of yet another spirit who dropped in seemingly out of nowhere. This one looked like a young girl with brown hair like that of Kazui's mother, dressed in a cute lacy dress that resembled something out of a magical girl show. As the girl held her orb-tipped staff like a swung baseball bat, silence hung in the air.

"Okay, who the hell are you," the zanpakutou asked, voicing the question on everyone's mind. "I'll be happy to answer," the girl said, twirling around to face Kazui. "I'm Magical Shieldmaiden Tousei, and as Kazui's Fullbring, I'll do everything I can to-"

"The Fullbring doesn't manifest in the inner world," the Quincy spirit interrupted curtly. "Are you certain you weren't sent by Kazui's mother?"

"Well, do I look like a fairy to you," Tousei said, stretching out her arms. All three opened their mouths. "Don't answer that question," she interrupted. "Anyway, I'm here to play the role of mediator so you can all get along and help Kazui together!"

"I still want to ask you about-"

"What is there to ask me about? I already told you what I am!"

"No, you're definitely holding out on us. There's no chance you're a Fullbring because _that's not how they work."_

"Okay, smart guy, what do you think I am, exactly?"

_"Not a Fullbring."_

**"Excuse me, aren't you all forgetting-"**

After the Hollow went sprawling across the ground a third time, the remaining three spirits descended into heated bickering, leaving Kazui confused and frustrated as he tried to get in a word edgewise. Every time he tried to talk to the three spirits, one of them talked over him as they continued to discuss the confusing issues of just what the hell Tousei was and how they were going to kiss and make up and help make Kazui's life easier. As Kazui tried his best to ask the arguing spirits, he found himself growing ever more dissatisfied with the results of his _jinzen_. Slowly, the irritation built up in him, inching towards its peak, until...

"GREETINGS, KAZUI!"

Six flashes of light, all differently colored, flashed in a sudden puff of smoke. When it cleared, there were six people wearing what seemed to be Sentai outfits. Kazui stared at the team, faintly aware his badges were gone, and plopped down on the ground.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"How was your first time in your inner world," Kazui's father asked him, looking at him with concern. Kazui stared at his parents, both of their expressions tense and worried. Kazui looked as if he'd been deprived of a full night's sleep and he stared at them with tired, half-lidded eyes. "I...I ran into some problems. I don't think I'm going to be unlocking my shikai anytime soon."

"Well, that's okay," his mother said, reaching across to hug Kazui. "I'm just happy that you're here, and that you're still you." Kazui relaxed as he felt the softness of her bosom against his cheek and the reassuring hand of his father on his shoulder, and serenely smiled.

Until the Undefeatable Starlight Rangers (as they called themselves) burst onto the scene in a flash of light again. "I wasn't even angry this time," Kazui hopelessly mumbled as his father stared and his mother marveled at the colorful team.

**Author's Note:**

> Miscellaneous notes:
> 
> \- If JP41 is telling the truth, 星 is the character for hoshi, which means star in Japanese.
> 
> \- I tried to model Hollow Kazui's mask after a magpie, which plays an important role in the Tanabata myth.


End file.
